Newly titled - 'Selfish Actress'

As in, this blog is newly titled Selfish Actress. I've been a selfish actress for much longer.

Adam Leotta and Katie Booth in 'Out of Sight, Out of Mind'. Official selection IFFR.

Hey everybody. New game plan.

I'm putting my dream of a Global Citizen/Environmental Crusader blog (working title) on hold. Because there's only so much time, and I'm trying to accept 'do less' as acceptable.

It occurred to me, sitting in a Barnes & Noble in Los Angeles (at the Grove during Christmas, when the whole place is lit up and beautiful - the only time of year I really love it there), that I wanted to be an athlete. But an athlete for acting. It occurred to me (not for the first time) - how much utter bullshit goes into 'being an actor' that isn't acting. An actor can go months or years without acting. And yet, they are actors. (Or maybe not, I don't know. It's a weird delegation.)

I read once that Mila Kunis was reluctant, for years, to write on official documents that her occupation was 'actor'. It's a stupid random fact that has stuck with me, also for years. Because it is tricky. I'm not currently acting for a wage, but I'm still an actor. (Or maybe not. I'm actually not sure how this works.) Nothing makes you feel like more of a fucking loser than saying you're an actor when what you're really thinking is... Am I tho?

How much time, how many years have I spent at this, and how much do I actually act. How much more could I work at my craft. My craft. That's another saying that makes me cringe. I wonder if my craft was carpentry if I would feel the same. Malcolm Gladwell said 10,000 hours to make an expert. We all know that, have heard it a thousand times. But what if I did work at being an actor - in every way I could - like an athlete. Accumulate 10,000 hours and not as a means to an end - but just as a means. Or as the end. (I'm also not clear on this.) But just to be as good as I can. Really earn that title. Be able to say, I am as good as I can possibly be in this moment.

Anyway, I've broken it into three prongs. This is by no means an exact science and more an accumulation of scribbled notes but I digress.

Doing. So, actually doing. Auditions, rehearsals, classes, plays, sketches, improv, jobs. Filming shit in your apartment. Doing. Performing. (Or living truthfully in imaginary circumstances, but again I digress.)

Research. Learning. Reading books, theory, memoirs, trades, interviews. Watching film/tv/play/live performance.

Body. The instrument. Fitness, breath, voice. Nature. Diet. Mental, spiritual, physical and emotional health.

This is the basic breakdown. At the moment.

When I was first thinking about this in Barnes & Noble, I thought - I wanna do this in four years. I'm going to be generous (or stingy I'm not sure, because I don't know how to calculate, or where to begin, in terms of how many hours I've already logged, from birth till now. I also don't know if I should include writing. My thoughts are no. But do I include journaling? Again, usually no) and give myself 2,000 hours. I think that's pretty solid, and safe. So I have four years and 2,000 hours per year. That's 5.48 hours a day. Which is... insane. I decided to shoot for 1,800 hours. Eighteen-hundred hours divided by 52 weeks is 35 hours a week. Or - if you're working 5 days a week, 7 hours a day. I'm not married, I don't have kids and I don't drink. So this is doable if a bit ambitious. I am also a scatterbrained psychopath, tho, so... that's something to deal with. I figure 'shoot for the moon, land in the stars' probably applies here. Also, I realize what a fucking nerd I sound like right now.

And by way of ultimate embarrassment, but also accountability, I'll record it. Here.

Intermixed with those hours - or maybe outside - one blog post a day. Holy fuck. Maybe 6 days a week...

It's January 23rd. Which means for 2019 I'm already behind. I also moved to NYC today. Technically last night (anniversary of Heath Ledger's death, no big deal). My flight was delayed in Chicago for 7 hours while I watched massive snowflakes the size of silver dollars fall from the sky. I felt very alive watching those suckers swirl to the ground. I thought, this is what it means to be an actor. This is what Stella would have wanted.

Anyway, I'm also flying to Rotterdam tomorrow for Rotterdam IFF. One of top 20 film festivals in the world. Out of Sight, Out of Mind (still photo is above) was selected, and we're all gonna show up and act like we know what we're doing.

So today is day one, I guess. It's 12:53 am EST.