Number of people that helped me today: 5

Photo by me. Amsterdam, 2016

From Thurs. 1.24.19:

Lesson learned never bring a 40lb bag to Newark from Brooklyn. I’m contemplating throwing some items in the trash just so I don’t have to go on that journey again.

A man gave me his metro card and told me I was on the wrong side of the platform, then helped carry my bag up the steps. Another man brought me my water bottle when it fell out of my backpack as I was walking. Still another man approached to say that money had fallen out of my pocket and was laying on the ground as I stood looking at my phone in Penn Station. Basically, lots of looking after items that I couldn’t look after. It was the last thing I expected from a bunch of New Yorkers. It felt like the Universe blessing me.

I couldn’t sleep last night after my post, and my brain just turned over and over. Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually sleeping and I just don’t realize it. Because I still have dreams. The insomnia thing is relatively new. I feel like I’m on a foreign shore, looking around like I’ve heard of this place… How did I get here tho.

But I just--did it. And the Universe responded. It felt like a bolt of lightning ripping through my body. A gust of wind. I thought - this is what it means to be empowered. I’ve been debating how and when to start this project, especially with all the upheaval because I’ve moved six times since November – seven if you count Rotterdam, which feels like an additional punishment.

But I started. And now it's a commitment that I’ll have to stick to. Maybe it’s me and I’ve changed, or maybe it’s God giving me a sign because everything and everyone has been responding to me differently. And maybe that’s just what people do and I’m lucky.

But I wanted to at least share the title, or where it came from. I started reading The Art of Acting (Stella Adler) beginning of January. I never read it when I was going to school there (for shame). Early on she says:

“You live in a very busy world. You didn’t have your coffee, or you grabbed it at the cafeteria. Your baby is home crying, or your husband doesn’t love you, or your boyfriend didn’t call you. Everybody has troubles.

You must understand that while you’re in this room you leave the outside world outside. You need all of yourself here… You need 100 percent honorable selfishness toward you.”

Selfish actress.