Depression, theory, future.

View from de Doelen, IFFR 2019

Monday 1.28.19:

Something about the movie, walking home in the rain. Some days the bravado and enterprise just fall away. And I feel very fragile. And that fragileness makes me sad. Realizing how much I second guess myself and it’s stupid. It’s always stupid.

Was having real thoughts today on selfish actress project. Like, will ‘my research’ be misplaced. How much does traditional theory/method – for instance Stella Adler or technique in building a character – how much is it relevant to films today.

I get so much better now what Craig and I fought about months ago. This idea of subletly or lack thereof in film (specifically American). There are almost no American filmmakers here (at Rotterdam). And the films are… edgy. Like, you will never find this stuff in the states. Or, it would be difficult. And our film (btw we ranked 121 out of 500 films :P)--I get why they chose it. We’ve all laughed about it, felt inadequate in moments. But it fits the vibe. And I only realized that in watching other films in the program. It’s topical, documentary-style, largely improv, incorporates really varied elements-music, media, etc. And watching it today in our third screening, it was so remarkable to me. Like this is the future. We see it every day in breakdowns. They aren’t looking for actors to build characters. They are looking for actors who are the character. For people just to be. To build a story in this highly collaborative process that doesn’t revolve around a script per se but a person, or an idea.

Still from 'Out of Sight, Out of Mind', official selection IFFR 2019

I mean, I love it in a lot of ways. It’s really genius. It also makes me sad. What will happen to the actor, to the character actor. Who puts on a walk or an accent or becomes someone else. Yes we have the Rami Malek Freddie Mercury performances, and you can say or feel what you want to about that. I enjoyed that film. Idk how I actually feel about it tho. It is a bit silly, and like ‘cute’. American cinema does seem that way to me now. There is something very sweet about how hard it works to be understood.

And so I’ve been reading Stella The Art of Acting and it’s like… is this still relevant. Have I already done this… in school. Is knowing history relevant to the practical. Is character work as instructive as picking up a camera and doing.

It’s literally all out there for me to just take. That is what I feel over and over again. The stupidity of me questioning or getting distracted. You make choices. You just choose to do it. That’s it.

Today: 3.5 hours watching film. 2 hours watching filmmakers practice pitches for industry people. At least two hours of me trying to schmooze festival peeps. 7.5 total. Hells bells.