Sunday night in Rotterdam

from 'Dreissig', IFFR 2019

Taking a brief respite that is… my computer.

I think starting this project right before a 5-day trip to Holland was probably ill conceived. But ultimately – ‘there'll be days like this.’

Sitting in my hostel main room / living area. This place is dope. Hostel ROOM Rotterdam. They have been very kind to me. Filling up my klean kanteen and answering my questions about ‘where is this theater’ and ‘where is that.’ Cleaning out my Swell thermos and filling it with hot water and lemon. Sleep has not been great. Between jet lag and sharing a room with 8 strangers – I am all kinds of fucked.

In some ways I love it. I love that I’m constantly on my toes, shifting plans, on the move. I hate that I feel exhausted, that my back and neck hurt, that I’m constantly having to lock up my belongings.

This festival has been legit. A fabulous proving ground. I had no idea what to expect – it feels so much like Sundance. Very open, warm, friendly. The entire city is taken over – at least all of Rotterdam Central. The De Doelen is a massive four-story (I think) building that is run amok with festival stuff. Everywhere there are flags and art pieces and posters and brochures and help desks and food kiosks and computers to log into and register for events. There’s a library of all the films in the festival that you can log into and watch if you have a badge – no screening. So far I’ve met at least two fascinating people. The first and primary is Florencia. She is from Buenos Aires. Executive producer of a doc film ‘Una Banda de Chicas’ (Band of Girls) about female musicians in Argentina. Had a long convo with her last night – and she echoed the things that in my best moments I feel most deeply: that everything is out there for me to take, to do. That I don’t have to buy into / feed into the bullshit. That if I focus and allocate my time I am all powerful.

When I feel that way – the business can go to hell. Frankly. At the end of the day – these festivals are pretentious as fuck. Art has a way of being that. It’s one of my biggest issues with it. And maybe that is a terrible outlook, and it probably is, but I can’t help but see the overwhelming pretention of ‘let me influence you with my art.’ Or ‘let me inspire you with my art.’ The Q&As are just…. Yeah. Idk. I mean I love film I do. Everything that surrounds it is… scary. Ultimately these festivals are markets. They are here to buy and to sell. And it’s necessary, so okay. Otherwise maybe none of this would exist. But it is a business transaction and that is what feels icky to me.

When I do it - I’m going to write, direct and act. And then I’m gonna hire people to do all the other shit – the submissions, the connections, the sales agents, the publicists, the schmoozing at the parties and the selling out/promotions of screenings. I can’t fucking stand that garbage. Maybe if it was something I was very passionate about and proud of – which it would have to be – I wouldn’t have a problem at all hawking and I’d be damn good at it. That will probably be the case. But ultimately, I can make this work. I have this beautiful life in my mind’s eye – and it is something I can live with.

But Florencia reminded me that I’m not an alien. That all this really is bullshit. It has nothing to do with art. Don’t take it seriously and fucking leave it.

The other person I met – writer/critic for BBC. Specializes in festivals – the big ones. Also about to direct a feature with an insane camera operator. He invited me to Berlinale FF but I had to decline, for reasons I won’t go into.

I’ve also seen two movies that I loved. Well, one that I loved – ‘first’, by a NY director team actually. And a German film that was pretty solid called ‘Dreissig’ (Thirty).

It will be interesting at the end of this whole thing to calculate accrued hours.

Today - 5.5 hrs watching movies.

It is 12:30am. Or :30.